HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
