wakey wakey hands off snakey
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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