he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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