DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
