Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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