He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
