My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize