Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
