um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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