Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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