Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
