How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
