worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
