Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
