omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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