Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you have feelings for this penis?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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