I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
