I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
