if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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