i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
