It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
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