too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
