In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
