Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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