I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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