Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
