Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
