don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize