I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Randomize
