Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
