yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
