You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
