Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
