I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
