My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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