I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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