i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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