Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
