he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize