i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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