Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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