my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
