My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
