you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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