I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
