I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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