Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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