I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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