The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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