There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I feel like abortions should bother me more
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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