So drunk its hurt
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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