he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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