If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
