My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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