You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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