38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
