I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
