we have pet lesbian snakes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
