I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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