so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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